Failure, Faith, and the Victim

I remember it as though it all happened a day ago. I was in 12th grade and I chose not to apply to as many colleges/universities as I should have. Instead, I concluded that one application was enough. Amusingly, that one decision was enough to book me an appointment with you at this very moment, so hello friend, my name is Ntokozo and I’m from South Africa. This is my story and I hope that you take away the value of presence when you make decisions when you’re done reading it. You won’t always feel sure or certain, but do with all that is within you to prepare as best as you can and leave the rest to life. And one day, you’ll have a great story and the pleasure of telling it.

In South Africa, students in their final year of high school receive their school, leaving results published in national newspapers. So, as early as one AM on the set day, kids wait for the day’s newspaper to get delivered so they can scan through it to hopefully find their name with a symbol next to it—describing how well they’ve done. Yes, it’s an excellent public shaming tool and it works wonders, I tell you. I was pleased when I found my name and saw how well I did, but one thing dawned on me. I only applied at one college, and if they didn’t accept me I was screwed. My parents didn’t know that their son had so much faith, but in a matter of days, they knew that their son was full of shit and without a school.

So there I was, with no school, no plan, but memories of my foolishness and faith. I managed to find a college about a month later, but it was those expensive for nothing private colleges—let’s call it school A. School A was great and there were only 30 of us faithful humans in a lecture room, all paying for our ignorance and education simultaneously. I spent a year at the place and I started to actually love it, but the fees were pricey so I had to leave for another school. I got to school B and chose to study a second degree I knew NOTHING about. I don’t think faith had any part in this, but then again, who am I kidding?

With a year done at the new school, a few failed modules, and second year approaching, I was thoroughly sick of it. So sick I went on to fail more modules in my second year. At the end of my second year, I decided that I would try starting a business. Its mission would be to help high school students plan for the choice of qualification they would study. I was convinced that if there was anyone who had to help these innocent lambs, it would have to be me. I dedicated what would have been my third year in school to try to build this business, and I did as much as I thought would help me to succeed. And I didn’t.

I assumed that because I understood the importance of what I was trying to do, people would automatically find the value in it as well—and they didn’t. But more bluntly, they didn’t give a shit. Mindsets are built over life times, and here I was trying to undo and change them in a year. I have faith, I tell you. The failing itself never did hurt, but the shame hit me hard. I felt like the kid who left school with one year left to start a business and couldn’t get a single customer in 365 days.

Here’s the thing, there is no blueprint to this life thing. We can always invest as much as we can in preparing, but nothing is guaranteed. It’s okay to fail—even if your life seems to be a mess, it’s okay. Even when you feel discombobulated, just keep trying. There is no blueprint and there is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t a failure. Do what you can and give it your all, and someday—one day—something will give in.