Failure, Ain't All That Bad

I’m a failure. I won’t ever reach my true potential. This is too difficult. I’ve tried everything! Have you ever spoken any of those phrases? Have you ever thought those words after not being hired for the job of your dreams? Have you ever sat in your car driving home after being dumped by the love of your life?

I have. We have all experienced some level of failure at one point or another. It doesn’t feel good, but once it happens, what do you do after? Some of us try again. We move on to something else. Or we apply the needed skills to attain what it is we want. We attempt the “impossible” again and again. And one day were sitting in our car, in our house or apartment, we look over and see that beautiful face looking back at us. We see our child playing in the distance. We check our tablet or phone and see a notification email from our workplace. Not even realizing, that we have reached success. Something fills our mind up with the words, success is relative.

That car may not be the most expensive, you may not own that house, you may fuss and fight with the beautiful face, and you may bow down to those amazing lovable children that won’t stop jumping on you, while you’re working on a draft of your new novel. But you are pleased with your life? More than satisfied?

How did you get there though? You’re a failure remember? Could it be that failing isn’t so bad? You’ve learned what to do, and what not to do in a job interview. You know how to properly respond while having a passionate debate. You have discovered self-reflection. You no longer blame the world, for your mishaps, instead you assess the issue and fix it by changing your habits and responses. You have taken responsibility, you encourage accountability. You begin to honor the phrase “progress not perfection.”

Traditional self-help books are only a part of the equation. Actually those can be left out completely in my opinion. I had no desire to spend $25 and eight hours of reading only to hear that I have “great potential,” and that I can succeed in life if I was a good person who smiled a lot and made affirmations. I wanted to be great. Great in my own eyes, and not desire validation. You do not need approval to be great.

My hunger for success led me to a few great books that focused on practical advice, and principles. These books showed me that failure can be used to succeed.

I have failed a lot, but not nearly enough though. How do I know that I haven’t failed enough? Because I’m not where I want to be in life yet. I have not tried everything yet. You have a job, but you don’t have a career. You have a car, but it’s currently parked in your driveway, non-operational. I can continue, but I won’t, because I think you get the point.

Black Privilege, Opportunity Comes to Those Who Create It, by radio personality Charlamagne Tha God from the radio show The Breakfast Club and the podcast The Brilliant Idiots was the catalyst for my journey to success, through books. Over time, I noticed I’d get tired when I tried to read a physical book, so I hadn’t read as much as I had wanted to. That’s also just an excuse and another story. But when Charlamagne Tha God released his book I was very interested so I got a subscription to Audible. After a few listening sessions I finished the book. I had gained a new and useful perspective on failure. That perspective is that failure is indeed ok, and not only is it ok, it’s needed. Charlemagne talks about being fired numerous times throughout the book. But each time he found the opportunity in that failure. Even if it was just going back to his childhood home and going to his old room and reminiscing a bit and restructuring his plans.

But this doesn’t mean go and purposely fail over and over. It means make more attempts. Practice doesn’t necessarily make perfect, but it does make you better. Also, it will allow you to know if you can even be good at something. Just because you are interested in something doesn’t mean it’s for you to make a career out of it. There’s a chapter in the book called “Fuck your dreams.” This hit me, because I’ve always dreamt of being a successful recording artist. Why would I say forget it and give it up? What kind of advice is that?

What this chapter implies is fuck your dreams, if they aren’t YOUR dreams. A lot of times we see people we admire become successful in ways that we would like, so we attempt to duplicate that. To be more specific, we see celebrities and think we should write a script, record a single, start a fashion line. Yes, people become successful at that, but it takes more than a few drafts, and a few phone calls. It takes more than being passionate. It’s not for everyone. By attempting someone else’s dream and believing you can duplicate it without putting in all the effort they have, you are discounting their greatness. Find what you are great at.

In almost every book I’ve read recently, the same theme comes up; you must be in love with the process. Be in love with the struggle. Love the plan. If you only focus on the end result, you are creating a delusion that you don’t have to really work that hard to get that result. You cannot complain about staying up late, or waking up early. You have to do the things you don’t feel like doing to achieve what it is you want.

Attempting your interests is great but know when to say, “I tried, and now it’s time to try something else.” Nothing actually comes natural, not even walking. We even have to practice that, along with talking. So don’t feel discouraged when you realize you suck at marketing, or playing the piano, or writing novels. Just move on to something else. But realize you won’t get to that realization unless you make attempts. And no it shouldn’t take your entire life to figure out what your good at. But guess what? If it does that’s ok as well. Have fun, figuring it out. And while you are figuring life out you will be making relationships. You will meet people who can help put you in positions to be successful. Or you will be putting someone else in that position. It’s better to give than receive. If someone sees you attempting greatness, they will be more inclined to assist you where they can versus you just thinking about trying things. Take action, and don’t focus on the “what if's." Actually focus on one “What if?”; “What if I never try?”

Failure isn’t the worst thing that can happen. Not doing anything is. This could mean not telling your girlfriend or boyfriend that you are no longer happy, and you miss out on a better, more healthy relationship. This can mean not applying to that new job, and missing out on better pay and benefits. Or it could mean not pursuing a real passion, and regretting it in your older age. Even then, it’s never too late to start. The title black privilege, is a play on words, meaning it’s a privilege to be black. African Americans have a very rich history in America, we have strived through many injustices, starting with slavery, moving on to not having equal rights as Americans, yet, we have managed to survive through horrible conditions. African Americans have become winners of prestigious awards and creators of amazing content in pop culture. African Americans have become doctors, lawyers, professors, and have taken leadership roles of the highest degree in this country, that once would attempt to make African Americans believe that they were less than human. That was an epic failure.

I had seen an interview on Vlad TV with the creator of the Dilbert comic book strips, Scott Adams, I was intrigued by his words about hypnotism. That’s always been an interesting topic for me. Well this led me to look him up on audible about a year later, and after I had read Charlemagne’s book. Scott Adams book is titled How to Fail at Everything and Still Win Big: Kind Of The Story Of My Life. This book was just what I needed. Again, a successful person describing all of their failures, and even admitting that his biggest success took him awhile to gain. He speaks of celebrities always saying, “Just follow your passion.” And how that is just the easy politically correct answer to the question, “How’d you find success?”

That’s like asking “How’d you get that awesome burrito?” And someone saying "I followed my passion.”

Maybe this is a horrible example or analogy but, where’s the part about how you had to schedule a longer lunch, because this particular burrito shop was further than the local Taco Bell? You had to make sure you had enough gas to get there and back, you were almost derailed by a co-worker suggesting pizza because it was closer. But you stayed the path. Where’s the part about you had been thinking about a great burrito since the weekend, and how you had already planned out what you would put on it?

In Scott Adams’ book he speaks about systems over goals. The reason most people don’t reach their goals is because they don’t create a process to reach that goal. It sounds good to say you want to lose weight, or get wealthy in a year? But how will you do this? Some people do not even write the goal down, they just keep it in their head.

Sometimes we fail because we just stop, before we reach the level of success we long for. Things get in the way. It could be starting a new job, starting a new relationship or maybe something else interests you. It’s ok to take a break from things, but it’s not ok to abandon them fully. Taking a break can allow you to rethink things. Gain a new perspective on a project.

I recently began writing a novel, based on an album I created. It’s a story about an artist, who is on the brink of success, but gets dumped. So the story follows his breakup and shows how it effects his music and personal life. It seemed easy enough to write, but then I realized, I’d have to come up with strong characters, locations, and plot twists. It could be considered a sci-fi novel so I had to do research on that topic, and so forth. It was very overwhelming, and I wanted it to be a good read, so I paused. I began reading articles, and other books, to learn different skills in writing, so that I don’t just put out trash. Use your off time to better your craft. It’s ok to press the breaks, if you come back to it with a fresh mind, fresh perspective and approach. You may feel like you failed, but you didn’t. Success is around the corner.

When I was younger I loved reading, I read on lunch breaks at school, I read at home, and sometimes, I’d read out loud to my younger cousins and brother. I always raised my hand in class, to read selections from our text books. I remember reading R L Stine novels night after night. The Fear Street collection, not The Goosebumps Series.

But something happened when I grew older, I turned to music magazines where I’d read select articles about my favorite artists. I would still read novels, or pick up a dictionary here and there. The internet now meant I had access to online articles and information from more sources than the library. When I’d pick up a book, I’d get tired and before I knew it I’d be dozing off, book in hand. I never really got into blogs because I didn’t know if the blogger was official or credible. The great Mel Robbins, actually spoke about this briefly in her book Stop Saying You’re Fine. I add great to her name, because she is the author/ life coach that made all the things I want to do in my life seem a bit more attainable with the 5 Second Rule.

I am not going to attempt to steal the limelight from Mel, but ultimately our brain is wired to protect us, and keep us from making bad decisions. But sometimes it’s not a bad decision, it’s a scary decision which could help us grow. Our brains don’t know the difference, so we have to use a different part of our brain to trick it into making those tough decisions (I’m clearly not a neurologist).

With the five second rule, simply counting down from five to one, something happens where your brain, is cut off from negative scenarios, and you make your decision within that five seconds. Because after the five seconds your mind is flooded with adversity. This five Second rule has gotten me up at 3 AM in the morning, to continue writing this.

Failure, don’t be afraid of it, embrace it when it happens. Remember, making a tough decision is not about the outcome, it’s about making the decision period. The more you attempt success, the closer you get to attaining it. Set your goals as high as possible, let people criticize or even laugh at your goals. That’s when you know the goals are large enough. But do not neglect to plan. Scott Adams says, “Create a system.” Systems over goals. It’s the plan or system that takes you there, not the thought alone. Not the passion, not the desire.

And finally, food, clothing, shelter, and health, if you have those four things, you are already successful.