Exposing Myself

I’m in a 10 day self development workshop. The goal of this workshop is to explore my shadow and integrate with my rejected aspects of self, eventually coming to a place of full acceptance and love. That means owning everything I'm ashamed of that I bury deep down inside hoping no one will ever find out. All these aspects stem back to one thing and one thing only: fear. The things I judge about you are the things I have rejected within myself, and as I start to accept myself fully, I can accept you. As I've explored these aspects, I’ve been faced with many challenges. One is admitting they exist, and shedding light on them since I’ve tucked them away in the deepest parts of myself. They are things that I truly believe, then hide away neglecting their need to be accepted, resulting in self sabotage and victimization. But today will be different. Today I will expose the ugliest parts of myself, in turn exposing them for what they really are; FEAR,false evidence appearing real. Facing my fear and exposing them to you will take away all their power over me. Everyday you have a choice, love or fear. Today I choose love.

1. I AM NOT ENOUGH. I secretly have very low confidence and question myself all of the time. I get anxiety meeting new people because I crave their acceptance before I even know them. I try to find things I don't like about people to feel better about myself. I compare myself to everyone and have constant negative self talk going on in my head. I seek outside validation to restore confidence in myself. I do this through social media, gossiping, revealing outfits, flirting, and judging. I never used to lift up those around me because I didn’t want them to feel good when I didn’t inside.

2. I’M A FRAUD. You probably didn’t know I have depression and sometimes don’t leave my house or bed for days on end. I don’t want to show up when I’m not “on” so I hide this part of myself. I’m ashamed of the way I cope with depression/anxiety and distract myself with binging food and Netflix. I try to fill voids with food and cope with feeling alone deep deep down. This comes with an even deeper shame as I wasn't allowed to eat unhealthy foods growing up. My mom projected her shadow onto us, and in turn I felt I wasn't loved when I ate anything unhealthy or would be scared of her finding out. Now I'm shameful EVERY TIME I eat something that's not to her standards of healthy, thinking I'm going to get fat and not going to be loved.

I only show the happy moments or my “inspired self” on social media and have a strong desire to be liked. I was never liked growing up—girls hated me and I was rejected for who I was, so I tried to change. Constantly trying to be who people would like which made it worse. So I sought attention from guys to cope, finding the ones who would never leave me. I still do this subconsciously, and have an underlying belief that I’m unliked by everyone (even my own friends + family) and constantly need to impress them. One of my most current shameful coping mechanisms was growing my instagram in a very inauthentic way to seek validation and feel that I was liked and accepted. I was starting to open up and be honest for the first time in a long time, and needed that validation that it was received. I used my marketing job to grow my following and used their sites to get likes and grow on the explore page to get followers. Ever since I stopped, I have lost followers and realized they were all fake—just like me. But the truth is being liked by thousands for an image of you isn’t fulfilling, but being authentic and loved by fewis.

3. I’M BAD IN BED. I was 15 when I first had sex. Part of that guy-seeking-validation stage. I hooked up with the kid my best friend had a crush on while I was talking to another guy. He laid there barely moving with me on top—yup I was a virgin and had no clue what I was doing. We never spoke again after that night. I was left exposed and ashamed, some for my behavior, but mostly for my performance. He was 4 years older and I believed I must had been horrible because he didn’t like me. I now carry around a huge insecurity that I won’t be good enough for a guy in bed. I’m not able to go there with a guy and let go fully until I’m in love and feel completely safe emotionally. If I have sex prematurely I’m not into it, I’m in my head and massively insecure the whole time. I’ve never spoken these words or thought fully about where this insecurity came from, but I now realize that dude was the one who sucked in bed, and I actually love waiting to give myself over fully for a man who appreciates and loves me. So thank you to him!

4. I'M DUMB. I have ADD, just like everybody in the world these days. But when I was little my teachers would make it a point to tell my parents and they did nothing. I would be leaving worksheets or tests blank right after we would learn the material in class because I couldn't pay attention. I didn’t get it and all I thought was that I was dumber than everybody else. Kids made it apparent to me when I didn’t know the answers and would laugh at how dumb I was. This lingers in the back of my head to this day, and I am ashamed whenever it plays a part in my daily life. I try to hide it which makes it worse when it shows. I’m horrible with directions and probably couldn’t get home if you stuck me in the neighborhood next to mine without a GPS. Something in my brain doesn't recognize streets and can't see the bigger picture, I don't know but it's definitely a daily reminder of how dumb I am. I get incredibly embarrassed when I’m talking to somebody and don’t have a response because I didn’t listen to what they just said. This effects my behavior because I make it a point to prove to people that I’m not dumb. I get offended and judge my friends when they don’t take my advice, assuming they must think I just don’t know what I’m talking about. And when I have an opinion or view on something I make it known more than what is necessary, belittling others. It’s all about seeking confirmation and feeling that I am smart, shameful of how dumb I really feel.

5. I'M ANNOYING. Or as people may also call it "immature." I was a very playful kid, making up games, laughing hysterically, loud and obnoxious, ALWAYS. You could see how when I got older it was not accepted anymore, and my authenticity gradually turned into a shameful attribute to my personality. Teachers would scold me when I just couldn't stop laughing with a friend in class, and one even sent me to the office embarrassing the shit out of me. Then it came the time where my friends started hanging with boys and I wasn't "cool" enough or too annoying to come. That shattered me. I lost my playfulness along the way, always trying to be serious and accepted. Starting to live in a mindset that constantly thought about how others were perceiving me, the absolute opposite of authenticity. This is why I love being around people who can make me laugh and get me out of my head. I would do anything for my childish, playful, fun-loving self to come back and annoy the hell out of all of you!

6. I'M EMBARRASSED. My face turns beet red which reveals all my insecurities. When I feel dumb, weak, a fraud, annoying, not enough (all of the above). It is a bumpersticker on my life that shows the world how I really feel inside. When I was young I was constantly trying to hide it, wearing makeup and researching “how not to blush” on my moms dial-up DELL computer (LOL). In later years I’ve gone as far as taking vodka shots before public speaking and seeking medication from my doctors that would calm my nervous system, blaming it on my anxiety, all in an attempt to stop blushing. I did not own any of my insecurities so they owned me. Just waiting to be revealed and crush my self image. Because everything I’ve ever tried to hide pops up on my face, exposing me for what I really feel yet I could never just admit. I NEED you to think I was confident, happy, and sometimes even better than you. My EGO needed it to survive, so what happens when it’s dead???

Holy shit—OK. Just writing these words was cringeworthy and many times I wanted to quit and say fuck this, I’m not doing that. The ego hates to die, right? I wanted to hide each and every corner of myself, but there comes a time when you are sick of your own shit. WHAT YOU DON’T OWN OWNS YOU. So I challenge anyone reading this to do the same. You don’t need to post it for the world, but at least expose yourself (to yourself) so raw that you can finally realize all these aspects dwindle down to fear and it's not real. None of it is. You are love, and so am I. You are accepted, and so am I. You are GOOD ENOUGH, and so am I! We need to stop acting and seeking outside sources to fill our holes when we hold the power all along. Right here, right now. Thank you, I’M FREE.