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Evolving

One Chapter at a Time

By Meghan RPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I’m going to start off with a really honest statement: I have no idea what I’m doing. I, a twenty-year-old college student with a part-time job and a fiancé, am completely and utterly lost. In fact, I have never felt LESS secure in my entire life than I do right now. Why?

Because I don’t like the person that I am.

That’s right, you read correctly. I don’t like myself right now. Not at all. I don’t like the version of me that I have transformed myself into, and I have no idea what it’s going to take for me to get past this point.

You see, I recently moved out of my parents' house. A month after I moved out (and in with my long-time boyfriend), I got engaged. A month after that, I started my junior year of college. And somehow, in the midst of all of the life changes, I lost myself.

I used to be FUN. I used to love to laugh, and I was so spontaneous and adventurous. I loved to read ANYTHING and I wrote anywhere or any time I could. I felt things. I was happy, and then I cried, and then I would be happy again. I was passionate and in love with life and with my favorite people here on this Earth.

I am not that same girl anymore, and I have no idea how to get her back. I still don’t know what I’m doing right, or what I’m doing wrong.

I don’t want to leave the house anymore, and I skip classes because I can’t get off the couch. My fiancé and I hardly do anything together anymore besides shop for groceries, and I hate my job because I’ve isolated myself from all of my coworkers that used to be my friends. I even hate trying to plan my wedding, because it always ends in me comparing myself to other couples and their expensive, perfect weddings.

I have never dealt well with change, and my mom always used to tease me about it. “You would rather sit and complain about your circumstances instead of doing something about them,” she always said. She’s right, I would. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve tried everything I can think of to revive myself. I have tried reading, writing, seeing my family more, going on dates with my fiancé, and doing things I used to really enjoy, but nothing has cured me.

I am still so different than who I used to be. But honestly, I think that’s the point.

I can’t be the spontaneous girl who laughs like crazy and runs around with no responsibilities anymore. I have bills and people counting on me to pay them. I have formed some new interests, like running, music, and photography, and I should start to explore them more openly. I have a big commitment to the man that I love, and I owe him some time and attention each day because he takes care of me. I don’t feel as deeply or as quickly as I did before, but that’s because I am a little more seasoned than I used to be. I learned how to choose my battles with myself and with others. I am not the same girl anymore, but it’s not because I am lost.

It’s because I have changed.

I am learning that just because my circumstances are new does not mean I can ignore them until they go away. I need to confront my fears and anxieties and move forward, putting myself out there for the world to see.

Pushing yourself is awful. Let’s be real, it actually sucks, but newsflash: it is SO necessary! Even if your reflection does not look like it used to, it does not mean it’s not you. It just means you have grown. In order to be happy with who you are, you’ll have to decide to not only accept who you have been in the past, but more importantly, to accept who you are becoming.

(And besides, even if you don’t entirely love the “new you,” it’s not a big deal. She won’t be around forever...that’s the beauty of change.)

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