Pamela Dirr
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End of the Year Thoughts

2019 will begin a new chapter.

As 2018 comes to a close, I look back at all that has occurred. Some good. Some not so good. I don’t want to erase the not so good things from my mind, as they all taught me lessons. I was reminded that people who I thought would always be there for me actually ended up turning their backs on me (figuratively and literally). I was reminded of the people who aren’t happy unless there is some sort of drama in their lives. I learned that people tend to let their lives be controlled by negative people instead of just thinking for themselves.

But I also learned that those weren’t the only people in my life. I found some great positive people in my life this year. People who don’t mind my quirky sense of humor. People who actually appreciate the random things I do for them. People who actually know and understand the true meaning of friendship. People who won’t deny being friends with me. For a big part of the year, I had thought that I was the problem. I thought that there was something wrong with me. I finally realized that the problem wasn’t me; it was who I was associating myself with. Those people aren’t happy with the way their own lives are going, so they were trying to bring me down to make themselves feel better. We all struggle at some point in our lives. We don’t always make the right decisions; we all have regrets. The best thing that we can do is to try to learn from what we have done.

I had a roller coaster of a year. The negativity in my life had a huge impact on me. I knew that I didn’t want to go around feeling miserable all of the time. I knew I had to make some major changes in my life in order for that to happen. There was negativity at work; there was negativity from some of my (so-called) friends. I knew I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I knew I couldn’t live like that anymore. So I quit my full time job and I made my circle of friends smaller. They definitely were not easy things to do. I was at my job for five years. The pay was good, the hours were okay, the medical benefits were good, and I was able to take A LOT of time off. But I didn’t like being spoken down to all of the time. It took a toll on my self-esteem and I eventually started questioning myself about EVERYTHING that I did. Who wants to go through life like that? Definitely not this girl. So I resigned from that company.

One of the most difficult things to do is to cut people out of your life. Especially people who appear to care about you. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that there are a few people who aren’t meant to be in my life any longer. Although I was initially devastated to no longer be associating with those so called friends, I found other friends along the way. Friends aren’t supposed to judge each other. Friends aren’t supposed to lie to each other. Friends aren’t supposed to bring each other own; they’re supposed to build each other up. I try to see the positive side of everyone, and I will always to what I can to help others out. I will always stick up for my friends. If I don’t agree with something they are doing, I will let them know. But with that being said, I will still listen to their rationale and try to look at things from their perspective. I appreciate the new friends that I have made this year. I can tell them things and they don’t judge me (or maybe they do judge me but they don’t show it lol).

Do I regret anything I have done this year? No. I’ve learned lessons, but I really don’t think I have any regrets. Am I still struggling financially since resigning from my full time job? I won’t deny that I am. I’m currently working four jobs and it’s still difficult to make ends meet. I’m doing my best though. I’ve cut back on a few things. For example, I no longer have cable TV. That’s okay though because I have Netflix and Hulu.

Do I still get into a slump sometimes? Of course I do. I’m still healing from the events that happened this year. I have mostly good days, but every so often I’ll have a bad day and my mind will wander to the past. It stays there for a while and then I have to remind myself that everything happens for a reason. I can only get stronger.

So as 2018 ends and 2019 begins, I know that my life isn’t perfect. I also know that no one’s life is perfect. None of us are perfect. The only thing we can do is try to be better than we were yesterday. I’m going into 2019 with a positive attitude. Things might not always work out the way we want them to, but we need to make the best of every situation. To everyone who has been there for me in 2018: Thank you. I appreciate all of you. Happy New Year! 

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