Complicated Me and Rising Above

Now this is about me. Who am I? My name is Ashley. This is an introduction to my blog about who I am, where I am at, and how I got here. Maybe my story will reach someone who can relate or will inspire.

Now, I’ve always felt different. Everyone says that, right? But no… I was different. I am different. I’ve always been bad at socializing, fitting in and at the same time… I really didn’t care. As a kid, I was so proud of myself. I didn’t care if people found it weird that I used to day dream all the time. Nor did I care if people didn’t want to be my friend. I was happy in my little world and nothing could get in my way. I grew up in a home with a single mother who did everything she could for her three kids. I was the youngest. My mother always worked. Her sacrifices made sure that we had a roof over our heads and a full belly before we went to bed. A lot of the time I really had to figure things out by myself, but she made sure to teach me life skills I needed to know. A lot of the times though, I felt excruciatingly lonely and lost. I’ve always had a hard time asking for help or telling people I was having a hard time. School became my battle ground. I could never academically flourish or got high grades and eventually I gave up on myself and just gave into the fact that I’m stupid…or at least that's how the apathetic me felt during the time. It really hit my self-esteem, and so began the path of self destructive thinking that later in my adulthood would almost destroy me. No one has ever known how I truly feel or what goes through my mind. In a nut shell, I’m pretty much a question mark and recently have made some irrational changes in my life. This is my journey out of this web of complications that has become my life. This is my escape out of a life that I am currently taking back for my own.

Complicated.

That seems to be something that has always defined me as a person. I’ve never known what I’ve truly wanted out of life—whether that be friends, career, or my love life. Trust me, because of this, I have probably been the most aggravating person to be around...ever. BUT at the same time...I’ve always given my heart to those around me. I’m loyal and if you need me, I never say no.

Complicated.

That’s me.

I’ve always felt stuck and very unsure about what moves to make next without looking towards other people for answers to my questions. In a way, I’ve never thought for myself because… I never trusted myself. I’ve always been insecure and scared. For as long as I remember, I’ve always hid myself from the world. I was never confident, bold, a risk taker, popular, social, or academically smart. I was always very “artsy.” I liked to draw, paint, and engage in anything creative. I guess things started to change for me emotionally when I was finishing up high school. That pressure of having to figure out what career path you had to take really freaked me out. I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t even know who I was as a person. How was I supposed to figure this out when I didn’t have good grades and I didn’t feel good enough in something to pursue as a career. I was just the type of girl who stayed in her room and engaged in forums all the time… talking to strangers who I could hide the real me from. I could be someone totally different… and they’d never figure it out.

I ended up getting into a graphic design course at a well-known college. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be.

I had a hard time making connections there as well. I remember trying to sit with a group of people, and they looked at me like I was an alien because I never sat with them before—they didn’t even want to talk to me… needless to say that was the last time I sat with them—unless I wanted to die from the awkwardness and come back to life again.

Over time I realized that this wasn’t what I wanted… and I dropped out. I told no one of my intentions. I went back home and I broke the news to my mother who was extremely disappointed in my rational decision making. My mother's dream was always to have well-educated kids who would find amazing jobs and not have to struggle like she did. I felt like I failed her.

I later got into another well-known college for photography. I almost finished the course. I passed all the photography courses but failed an English course that didn’t allow me to graduate… and like an idiot… I didn’t go back to finish that English course…after a few years I inquired about it, but I’d have to do all the other courses that had been added to the program as well...so I pretty much lost that diploma. Again, I felt like I failed myself and my mother.

I took so long to decide to go back because I got an opportunity to work for the government, thanks to my sister-in-law. This is a huge part of my life, by the way… I took it and I got a permanent position pretty fast. I had left my little job at a grocery store and started working in a corporate-style environment. I’m so lucky right? Right… Cause that's what everyone told me. You’re so lucky… You need to stay there… Don’t be stupid… This can open so many doors for you. After working within a high-stress toxic environment… I wanted out. I learned so much! I became a different person. I was so confident in my job that my manager wanted to make me a business/customer service coordinator. At the same time… I became very bitter about what I was doing with my life. I had put my creative dreams on the back burner and totally forgot who I was. I did this for five years because I was always convinced to stick it out. I wasn’t me anymore. I was angry, sad, stressed, tired, very overweight, and resentful that I was only doing this because I was pressured to do this…. not because I wanted to do it. I felt I had a duty to make this money to help my mom… to help her with her responsibilities after all the sacrifices she made—it was my turn. After expressing myself to certain individuals… they convinced me to stay with the government—just find another office to work in. Which is what I did. I started working for another government office closer to home. I felt hopeful for the first time in a very long time. Soon, though, it came crashing down on me. This job was worse than my old job, and I felt the sudden regret that I made a huge mistake and there was no going back. I had dug my grave and how was I going to get out? My anxiety had reached a new high, and I started having panic attacks in the washroom…crying, heaving for air, freaking out that I hated my life and I didn’t want this anymore. When I expressed this to my mom… she wasn’t happy… Basically our conversation made me feel that I was being ridiculous, and I felt very guilty for how I was felling. Now, I’m not at all trying to make my mother look horrible…but tough love is sometimes her method of approach. I became so disconnected...very depressed…I was gone. One day after having a panic attack in the washroom, I approached my manager and asked to go home. I couldn’t hold back my emotions and began to cry. He closed his office door and asked if I wanted to stay till I calmed down. I agreed and he just typed on his computer while I sat there shaking and crying. He didn’t even ask a single question, showed no concern, or any empathy at all… he just went about his day. THAT very moment I became angry—at EVERYTHING.

Especially myself.

WHY?! Why had I allowed myself to get this far and let people tell me how to live my life… WHY did I allow myself to be led down a road because of guilt and wanting to make other people happy and not myself? Who the heck am I!? At that moment I didn’t even know… and I felt that no one cared. That was the last time I stepped foot in that office or any government/corporate job ever again. I went home… I took some time off work and sent my resignation letter without caring what anyone else wanted for me. I was officially jobless in the spring of 2017. After that whole ordeal I went to my doctor to get anti-panic medication and was told I needed some time off to really get myself together and work on myself. I was almost sent to a centre of addiction and mental health facility because I had gotten so bad emotionally. In 2015 I had taken a lot of baking courses and got my certification. After quitting my office job in the spring, I got a job in a bakery. It was GREAT! I loved what I was doing and I was FINALLY happy. Thank the universe… I was so happy! it didn’t work out thought because the head baker needed someone who was more diverse that I was, which was OK. I was jobless again.

Something that was really holding me back was my weight, which my doctor had told me was very bad and I needed to do something about it. I had so many other problems that were stopping me from losing weight to begin with. My doctor had suggested getting a gastric bypass because my weight was getting out of control. I had signed up and went to many appointments, but luckily the doctors there realized I was so young and they wanted to help me in a different way. Without getting into so much because it's so lengthy… I haven’t been back at work and I’m trying to get my life back. I have so many exciting things that I want out of life and that I’m going to make happen. Right now my main goal is to lose 100 lbs. While things have been way more complicated for me...I really had to narrow it all down. I could probably write a book.

I want to document all the exciting changes going on in my life and share them with the world… and show everyone that amazing things can happen to those who really believe in themselves.

Cause for once in my life….I believe in myself.