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Change-llenges

Stuck on sameness and wanting to hit the fast forward button on growth. Grappling identities,finding peace with aloneness, and reality.

By SAYHERNAME Morgan SankofaPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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Image Credit: Winne the Pooh found on gallery/ordeal.html. 

So you may be wondering why the hybrid between Change and Challenges? Change means that what once was will never be, and that all that snuggly comfort gets ripped from under your feet to a mysterious new territory. Change may even mean what once gave you purpose is no longer an option, or who.

Sometimes it feels like my mind and my body are working against me. When I look in the mirror sometimes I catch a glimpse of the person that I want to be hidden behind my current exterior. She wants to arrive, but I don't have the roadmap to let her out yet. Currently, I find myself in an odd space between the woman who I once was, and the woman who I know I am capable of being. I have so many desires but I don't have the audacity to act on them as I am.

I read about indomitable women, women that are confrontational, women that have voices like sirens, fighting women, and I wish to see myself in them. When I look into my heart I feel like another hybrid, somewhere between a soft man and a hard woman.

I've said this to myself for a while, with nowhere to practice out my identity. I guess this is what the late singer Prince meant when he figured that he felt like both feminine and masculine. Why should we have to choose? I contemplated binding my chest last week. Sometimes I study what boys wear and I imagine how it would look on me. Today we were going for ice cream at Rita's.

I saw a boy who had on gray shorts, a yellow T-shirt, high black socks, and gray sneakers ( or trainers for any European readers). When I look at males I see what I can borrow from them whether that be their posture, their attire, their abilities, and I wish to try it on because to me they own power in this world.

That, of course, is an exaggeration but to take it farther sometimes I wish I could feel what it feels to have male body parts usually in positions of power. I enjoy their world and it doesn't feel deviant. Looking at me from the outside you would never suspect this I suppose.

Being an INFJ personality (Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, Judging), I am internally charged and externally stoic. My peace comes from gentle serenity. The typing of my truths. The practice of quiet eye gazing. The pause to notice my breath or my feet hitting the ground. Pleasure feels like a distant untouchable abstraction.

The only emotions that I allow myself to feel are peace and anger. I feel the happiest in my thoughts, in my own space where I am limitless in my speech, charismatic, charming, fun, fearless, LOUD, without a drop of anger. There was a time where I was close to this in my youth, but that girl is long gone. I am now a Realist.

I see what is, and I am learning to accept it whether I like it or not. I long to feel what its like to go outside and scream to the top of my lungs. I long to feel what I want to feel when I want to feel it. Pure independence. Life is full of excitements and highs waiting at the next turn after you take a chance or take a blind step of faith. Being alone is what I need now. I have personally decided to choose me until I have real offerings to give. My body is tired. My mind is supercharged. My heart is mending. My gut is brewing for adventure and risk.

When I was younger I never thought of myself as a man or a woman just a human being. The memories from my youth are blurry, but they remain a time of carelessness about identity. When I realized my identities it catapulted me into a world that I didn't ask for. But the realization of my identities provides me the basis of my work, and my purposes for women, and for black people in particular.

When I think about power now, I choose to think of Morgan as a male. When I think about tenderness and caring I think about Morgan as a female. But I know that whoever I choose to be I will do this with my morals as a guide. Defining my own morals seems luxurious. When our lives are so controlled by rules, laws, guidelines, it can seem that life is a prison. You have to walk like this, you have to stand like this, smile when he/she arrives, laugh when he's speaking, etc.

The best of life happens when we connect together simply and true. Growing together feels better than growing alone. It would be fantastic to have someone to grow with that is not in my family. But that is not my reality. My focus will be on reaching higher and higher levels for myself with even more drive, louder, better, more focused, with more truth and trust in myself so that I can be the woman who I know I am capable of being.

So keep at your passions with grit, without wavering and you will feel freer. That is one of my purposes to find my voice free without fear because risks in truth can blossom into breakthroughs. Change is one of my greatest fears but if I want to live happy for the first time in a long time, I need to live in what is real for me.

There are money blocks, confidence blocks, fear blocks, but at least I can identify what needs to be improved. Nothing that limits you can stop you unless you allow it. Feel how you feel when you feel it. Fight for the person that you feel you are inside and never let them go. As always if no one told you today, I love you.

happiness
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About the Creator

SAYHERNAME Morgan Sankofa

Say Her Name

https://www.aapf.org/sayhername

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