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For years, I was just like any other middle schooler/high schooler. I had friends and a good base of support. That changed, though, sophomore year and my friends became my bullies. To this day, I have no clue as to why my whole friend group (as well as complete strangers) turned on me. They won't even give me or authorities involved in the matter a reasoning for their attacks on me and emotional abuse. This bullying continued until senior year, when I decided to completely isolate myself from everyone. I figured if I'm not close to anybody that nobody had the opportunity to hurt me. While that was true, it also gave me the opportunity to hurt myself without being aware of the fact that I was doing so.
Walking through school with no friends to meet at my locker was something I had to get used to, but it wasn't a huge issue. There was still teenage drama, but I was no longer forced to be the center of it. I was quiet and focused only on my school work. The method improved my grades, but my mental health was eating away at itself. I felt lonely. I had a few friends outside of school but most of them I met on the internet. It helped to talk with them, but I wished for them to be beside me to hug me when I needed it or to hang out on Friday nights.
After school, I'd lock myself in my room and only come out for food or to use the bathroom. I hate being around my family. I hate living in the place that I do. I hated everywhere that I would go. My house, my school, even where I worked. I had two real friends that I could see in person and they really helped me pull through. Without them, I don't think that I'd be writing and continuing my dreams today. I'd probably be in a casket, as sad as that sounds. Nevaeh and Chad were always there for me, and I could be in their presence unlike my internet friends.
They were my new support base and people I trusted enough to vent to. I taught myself not to trust anybody else and to keep my walls up, but for them, my walls were down. I don't regret it a bit, only I continued my bad habits. I felt the need for more friends. I felt odd and out of place. I've always had a lot of good friends. I didn't think anything was wrong with me that people would hate me so much, yet they did.
My old friend group left nasty notes in my locker and told people I tried to connect with that I had done horrible things. All their lies were fabricated and made up. The rumors were getting around and one day strangers started harassing me and calling me a slut, a whore, fake. I had done nothing to any of them. I started getting pushed in the hallways and the school was allowing it to happen. They said there was no proof of anything happening although I had plenty of messages on multiple social media accounts and there were cameras that they refused to check the footage of.
Everyone turned against me. The school, past friends, classmates, strangers, family. Everywhere I went I was being talked about and I developed this paranoia that everyone knows who I am and they've heard the rumors that were never remotely true. I had to deal with all of this on my own. What I've learned is that I cannot depend on anyone but myself, the school systems are screwed, and parents don't want to do their jobs. People are cruel and horrible and they break people down to the point of suicide. I have attempted multiple times in the past four years of my high school career.
The world showed me its true colors and I realized I will never survive if I lie to myself and tell myself that there are good people who can change the world. Influencers may make an impact, but the evil nature of Earth and human beings will never be undone. My eyes are finally open to that.
I refused to trust anyone or accept their compliments. I felt like they mocked me. I've been so damaged that I can't even function right around people. I don't know how to act. All I know to do is get away from them and be on my own. To be honest, being alone isn't as bad as you may think.
I like the silence and the freedom to do as I please with my own time. I'm not tied down to any friend group or obligated to show up at birthday parties or anything like that. I don't have bunches of people craving my attention and annoying the absolute shit out of me anymore. I've learned to love myself instead of finding somebody who will love me. I don't depend on guys anymore. I really don't want a relationship or to fall in love, but if it happens I know how to act. I come first in everything, and that isn't being narcissistic. Loving yourself and being okay with who you are or who you're becoming is not wrong. Your personal health should be a priority, whether mental or emotional or physical.
Being alone, I can look at certain situations and see both sides. I've opened my eyes to the world by being my own leader and being independent. I see a lot of things that most people don't because of my past experiences, and I'm appreciative of that. I understand more things than a typical person would. I may not be book smart, but I'm smart in other areas.
Don't let anyone break you down or build you up. That power resides in your own hands. You can be the master of your own self and you can shape life the way you want to. Follow your dreams and know that if you are lonely right now, that's okay. You are not alone and things will start to get better, guaranteed.
By being able to learn and handle being alone, I lost that lonely feeling. I don't need others, I need myself. Once you realize that, people start to gravitate toward you. After fixing my own flaws and accepting who I truly am and being okay without other people in my life, the friends I've longed for started to find me.
You are in a rut now, but it will all be okay.
That is a promise.