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Authentically Me

2019

Authentically Me…

“There is nothing I need to SEE

There is nothing I need to SEEK

There is nothing, but what I BE

That can COMPLETE ME”

This mantra came to me while driving. I chose to leave the house without my cell phone, I left the music off in the car, and I just listened to the universe. A resounding message of just being authentically me.

It’s the beginning of 2019 and although 2018 was a difficult year, it was not bad. I learned so much about my strength, my true purpose, and I experienced rapid emotional growth. I could take all that knowledge and say, “I hope 2019 is easier. I hope I will have a year filled with everything I want.” That’s what most of us do when we are met with the uncomfortable—we seek out comfort. Instead, I’m making a choice to take what I’ve learned and make some very uncomfortable changes. I’m choosing to live my life differently and I have no anticipation that this will be “easy.”

When I began to write this post, I reached out to some of the inspirational people in my life. All from different areas of my life, some close friends, some artistic inspirations, and some successful business owners. I asked each of them what they are doing differently in 2019. Not, “what is your New Year’s resolution,” but rather, what choice are you making differently this year? Surprisingly, almost every person answered with a similar intention. 

Make my spiritual practice a priority, reconnect with God, meditate first, choose to listen to my inner voice, serve my purpose, and do all things in service to the greater good. 

I asked highly successful individuals, the people with a community that looks up to them, and somehow, they all are looking to engage spiritually. I set out to gain inspiration for my writing and was met with my own spiritual awakening.

I’ve gained some knowledge this past year, and I’ve just been sitting on it. Like a squirrel collecting nuts when there is no longer a need to prepare for winter. Standing tall and enlightened on top of my pile of knowledge, but not doing anything with it. I learned that I have a need to speak, and I’ve been gifted with a voice. I learned that I have a need for family connections. I learned that I choose peace over anger, but I don’t release the anger. I keep it in a dark place in my own self. I learned that as I grow, my circle gets smaller. I learned that sometimes it’s okay to move on. It’s okay to create a boundary. I learned that I am only happy when I have freedom and creativity. I learned that my purpose is dance, expression, and using my voice. This is my authentic self. The little girl that quietly witnessed tremendous violence and pain—her purpose is to speak.

2018 really drove this knowledge home. I basically got a master’s degree in knowing myself, all crammed into one year. Around September, I started to think that I needed to do something different. I dove into many conversations with people close to me about some of my revelations. I asked their thoughts, their opinions, their advice on what to do next, on how to progress forward with this degree of knowing myself. It wasn’t until December when I recorded this video of me improvising that I witnessed myself fully and realized I need to seek within.

I was dancing to “If You Want Me to Stay” by Sly and The Family Stone. I still have no idea how I know this song, how it got on my playlist, and why I’m so connected to it, but when it accidentally came on in my Contemporary class, I felt something. I let the song play. I let my students improvise and be creative with the song. They were awe inspiring, simply human, and yet beautifully complex. I listened to the song on repeat my entire drive home. The lyrics piercing my soul,

“For me to stay here, I’ve got to be me…
I'll be good I wish I could get this message over to you now
When you see me again, I hope that you have been
The kind of person that you really are now”

When I got home, I just had to move to this music. I put my camera on, thinking something special was going to happen, and I’m so glad I did. Every move I make in this video is me, not choreography or technique. It’s just me. At about 1:42, I release everything, and by 1:45 the look I give is the first time I saw myself without the mask of pain. When I watched myself move, everything in my life became clear. I need to look inside to be authentically me. I need to act on all the knowledge I’ve gained in getting to know myself. I need to align my actions with my purpose and my truth.

When the New Year rolled in, I knew I had to be different and I had to choose differently. In seeking inspiration from others, I learned that I need to choose a greater spiritual connection in order to be authentically me. So, what does that look like for 2019? Well, it’s not going to be easy or comfortable, but 2018 prepared me for this.

For this year, I am choosing…

  • to put my phone down, not take it with me when I go out, turn it off at night, get an alarm clock.
  • eat dinner at home, by candlelight, with just music.
  • to say no to anything that I am not 100 percent authentically choosing, no more doing it for the peace.
  • calling my yoga therapist to release the anger of 2018.
  • limiting my time with friends and only investing in relationships that serve the greater good.
  • to practice only taking what I need, no unnecessary purchases (including clothes!).

I am confident that these choices will lead me to living a more authentic life, which will in turn lead to living my purpose; dance, expression, and using my voice.

May we all look inward this year, connect spiritually, & allow ourselves to flow into living authentically.

“There is nothing I need to SEE
There is nothing I need to SEEK
There is nothing, but what I BE
That can COMPLETE ME”

Peace & love, xoxo

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