An Inner Battle. Who Am I?

If you can conquer your mental being, you can conquer anything in the world. I’ve lived my life in this constant battle with myself and with the world, being ripped to shreds to create the perfect girl. Eventually, I met the right people, I experienced enough, and I found myself.

I have no shame in the struggles I’ve had to face; I was 5 years old and fresh off a village in Kosovo. I traveled halfway across the world to finally arrive to my destination, the Bronx. If I'm being completely honest, I hated it. I got out the cab to be welcomed by rain, dull buildings, and cracked sidewalks. Although, in time I learned to appreciate the diversity, deli in every corner, and the hot summer days in the park, and being cooled by the sprinklers. I didn’t know a word of English and never made it to pre-k or kindergarten which made my first day of first grade harder than you could imagine. I entered a new world, a world that had no patience for somebody like me. For starters, no matter how many times I corrected my teacher, she insisted on her version of my name. That was my first step into being accepted into my new American lifestyle. I still didn’t fit in though, even after doing everything that was expected of me.

By my 10th birthday, I realized that I wasn’t able to put myself in a specific category in society. My parents wanted me to be polite, quiet, and to stay in a girl’s place, but society insisted that I become outgoing, free-spirited, and to do whatever my little heart desired. Questions constantly raced through my mind and it seemed as if I couldn't get a break. When it felt like everybody was against me, I remained determined to become the girl everybody wanted me to be, the girl that my family knew I could be. For as long as anybody has known me, they have known that I'm caring, kind-hearted, and ambitious; these always seemed like amazing qualities to carry, but I know now that they sometimes can be weakness.

When you come from two completely different worlds, it's hard to find yourself. Am I simply an immigrant girl with old school parents, expected to live my life trying to make up for the opportunities they didn't have? Am I an American girl, trying to fit in and go for my dreams? Who am I? As I grew, I felt as if nobody understood me, I didn't even understand myself. I managed to make some bad friends, my grades dropped, and I was constantly getting in trouble. I felt like I didn't have a place in the world. I had spent so much time trying to please everybody and it always seemed as if nobody was ever happy with my decisions so this led me to act out, and I now realize it was a cry for help.

In this difficult time, when nobody else believed in me, my teachers did. I was reminded of the potential I had, especially from my 8th grade English teacher, Mr. Restaino. He was the type of teacher that not only taught a subject, but life itself. He was brilliant and probably the first adult to ever try to understand me. He taught us the importance of life outside of being New York students. Suddenly, I wasn't my parent’s daughter, I wasn't a student, and I wasn't just an immigrant girl who couldn't seem to fit in anywhere. For once I believed it, I had an infinite amount of potential. I could conquer the world, I could live my life happily and unapologetically. I soon realized that I didn't need to live my life pleasing everyone. Every experience, every part of me, and the important people that influence me are what make me unique. This is why people see potential in me. Standing out matters, making a difference matters. I didn't see the world as a dark place that I was lost in anymore. I am now 17 years old and there's nothing that I appreciate more than those dull buildings and cracked sidewalks.

Happiness will never come to those who don't appreciate what they already have. I never needed to be the perfect girl, I just needed to find peace within myself. I'm much more comfortable with myself and I have found ways to adapt to every situation life throws at me, perhaps many of you feel the same way. Society demands for us to stay in a box that they created, defined by one thing and one thing only. You are not just a label. You can be whoever the f- you want to be. Own it, live in it. Be BOLD and absolutely nobody can tell you anything. I'm still trying to find myself. I can only admit that I'm comfortable, but not truly where I want to be. I have many years ahead of me; the more I grow, the more beautiful souls I meet, and the more I find the things I love all while finding myself. It's no longer a battle, I've created peace. There's no winning, only acceptance.