What Built Me
Over the course of my life, I have learned that there are many things that change for better or worse. Granted I am only 18 years old, but I have come to the conclusion that change can be hard to accept.
Growing up I had a difficult childhood. No father figure, mother was always working, raised by my grandparents, etc. The usual sob story. My mother ended up marrying someone who ruined my life. Between the mental and physical abuse, and the constant manipulation or putting down, I became fed up. Everyone reaches their breaking point eventually.
I packed up whatever things I could and threw my belonings into a backpack and was in it for the long haul. I walked to my grandparents' house and asked to stay with them. From 2016 to the present, I still live with them, missing my mother and siblings, which was inevitable.
Lucky for me, I passed senior year of high school with flying colors, honor roll and crossed that stage like a boss. I obtained a new job that paid well and enrolled myself in college full-time with a scholarship and two years free. Because I had to apply as an independent, I enrolled late, but that did not stop me from recieving a 3.0 GPA my first semseter.
At some point in January of 2017, before I graduated, my father reached out to me over social media. I am blessed to have such an amazing man in my life now. I do not know how I survived 16 years without him.
During all this, I struggled with a one-sided relationship, falling out of friendships, and of course, teenage drama. With all of this combined together, I felt as if I did have some type of depression. I never said anything to the doctors in fear that my family would be upset or even put me on medication. No matter how much I smiled for everyone else, I still had this heavy feeling of sadness on my chest.
To this day, those empty feelings always come back, but I have taught myself to express them in a healthy manner. Instead of suicidal thoughts and actions, I write down what I am thankful for in my Bullet Journal and keep a daily mood tracker.
After finishing my second semster in college, my boyfriend had a falling out with his parents and he was no longer allowed to have a car to drive due to various reasons.
Recently, he accepted a new job as an overnight stocker at a local grocery store. Our schedules are opposite now, which has been really tough on me. We have always spent countless hours together going out, binge watching Netflix, or just spending time with one another.
He has helped me a lot to see the brighter side of the world and what better things are to come. Not having him around when I need someone to vent to or just ask advice from has been difficult for me to accept. Quite frankly, the biggest thing I have had to deal with since leaving my mom's.
How I Learned to Accept Change
Change is happening all around us at every moment. That convience store is being turned into an office building. The elementary school you went to closed. The rural area with houses miles apart is now being built on top of. Some of us are not used to the big changes in our lives yet. That's just something we have to learn to accept.
Acceptance is not always easy. It took me quite a long time to realize that my mother was not always going to be there for me after I moved out. Recently, she just had a new baby and it kills me every day to know that the child will never know me or that my other brothers and sisters will always think of me as the rebel that moved out and all the bad things my mother had to say about me.
It has taken me about six months to realize that I am never going to get the time back that I missed out on with my father and his family. They moved to Connecticut which is a little far from me and I do not always hear from him. What I do know is that he is always there whenever I need him.
I am still in the process of accepting that my boyfriend's new job will be something to benefit the both of us in the long run. Once he gets a car again and is able to travel longer distances to other jobs, things will change again. Everything will work out in the long run. It always does.
What Inspired My Writing
Most nights I stay up letting my brain constantly think over and over about everything. Sometimes I have too many thoughts or feelings and I need to tell someone. So, I write it down.
I found this website while I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and decided that this could be what works for me.
I know someone out there, might feel the same way, think the same way, or relate to me. That's what inspired me to write this article. Expressing my feelings in a positive way is what has helped me to accept the very tiny or very large changes in my life at such a young age. I aspire to give people an emotion when they read my articles or stories.
This is what will keep me going.