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A Quarter-life Crisis of a Black Girl

A Story About Myself

By P BPublished 6 years ago 6 min read
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I had a pretty good childhood, surrounded by people who loved me and cared about me, quite strict parents, but good friends I could always count on.

Being a 'second generation' child of immigrants parents in a prevalently white country (Italy), racism was also part of my life: outside my friend-family circle, a world of prejudice and ignorance surrounded my safe walls.

My parents were always concerned about me having good grades at school (which had to be my only worry as a teenager). Food, clothes and bills were their problems.

I basically lived my teenage years as a recluse, missing out on all those steps all "normal" teens go through, lying to my parents to go to that party all my friends were going to and feeling sorry and fearful for lying to them. A normal teenage first-world problem you would say, but the constant need to try to be the perfect daughter and student, deep down, made me feel angry. Furthermore, living in a place that did not accept me as a citizen, because of my skin colour, made me feel confused and doubtful of who I really was.

As a black curious and relatively intrepid girl, I always wanted to see what was beyond my safe walls, what I could achieve out in the world. I felt the need to leave what had been home for many years, but never felt like home. The future employment possibilities in the country seemed to be not too exciting for a black Italian girl, so after university, with my parent's approval, I packed my suitcases and left for the UK.

I was looking for something. I didn't know what exactly, maybe a challenge or to just finally be free and live my own experiences, my own life.

I moved to London and started dating, job hunting, making friends, and doing all those things a 20-something-year-old girl would do at that age.

When did the quarter-life crisis begin?

When I realised I still did not know who I was, what I wanted in life, and realised that I had zero confidence in myself.

As the perfectionist, "always-improve-your situation" kind of girl I was, I put myself under a huge amount of pressure into finding the better job which could prove to my family and the "others" that I made it, and that university studies had actually taken me to the well-deserved office job I had to be in, being in a foreign country and being an intelligent and western, well-educated black girl.

Relationship side, my inexperience within the "male world" and my confusion on what I wanted and I guess the endless possibilities of the London dating world made me make some really naive and stupid decisions which ultimately led to broken hearts and loads of disappointments and a general disbelief in the human kind as a whole (not being drastic at all here).

Job side, I managed to find the well-deserved office job, which I did not enjoy, and my feelings of anxiety and low self esteem made me develop a bit of a workplace/social anxiety which made me change three positions in around two years. I was not coping well with job pressures and some sickening office gossiping and rules, which altogether made me become overly quiet, introverted, scared, and socially awkward. I was worried all the time about everything, reserved and really ashamed of my issues.

Job and relationship pressures caused my first scary and surreal panic attack and from there, I was deep down into the crisis.

I didn't know who I was anymore. I was afraid of rejection and other people's opinion on me. I didn't know what was happening to me either, where all this fear came from, and why I was feeling that way: I was in a state of constant anxiety. Worrying, over thinking, and negative thoughts became my best friends.

The anger I had deep down came out especially against myself and my parents, whom I was blaming for almost all my new problems.

I wanted to stay alone as much as possible. I felt really lonely and overwhelmed.

I reached a point where I was not able to cope with myself anymore. I was always exhausted and extremely sad.

I knew I had to save myself from myself.

I had to stop and breathe, for the first time after a long time. I had to stop overthinking because I knew I had reached a point where I could not bear all this anymore.

With my achiving, restorative, and resilient mindset (thankfully given from my parents), I knew I had to do something and not just pity myself. I had to take actions to improve my mental health situation.

So I started looking online, reading books, meditating, and ultimately reaching out for professional help.

My parent's reaction to me reaching out for professional help was one of typical African parents, of shock and shame. They couldn't understand me at all and asked me why I was doing this? They were saying that, in our family mental health was never been an issue and that I just had to "stop complaining" and "being negative." They didn't know what to ask and sometimes, they involuntary made me feel bad for "being wick"... so we basically stopped talking about it. I went on anyways, with my sister's support in my mission to feel better.

It took me a while to really understand how I was sabotaging myself and I eventually understood many things about myself and the world.

I finally understood how important it was to live in the present moment and how over thinking and living in the past was unhelpful and damaging.

I understood how negative thoughts could control your emotions and make you behave in a damaging way; how worrying about other people's opinion on you is as bad as believing them.

And how loving yourself first and being nice to youself were the first steps to build that self love and confidence that had somehow always been missing in me.

I understood that doing something that you love work side will ultimately make you feel accomplished and that happiness depends on ourselves and on how we decide to react to life situations.

That looking for love to compensate for lonely feelings,will not work out and that pretending to be who you are not will not work out either.

That meditating, eating healthy, doing yoga or any sports will help you boost your mood and confidence.

That talking to friends who understand your situation and reaching out for help are the best way to take care of yourself and that I am not alone in this situation.

I understood that making mistakes in life is part of the growing process; that dating the wrong guy or doing a job you dislike will ultimately help you understand what you want or don't want in your life and make better decisions in the future.

I understood that life is not about being always happy and accomplished, that there will be moments when I will feel down, but having the strength to see the positive side of life and not putting yourself down or blaming yourself for being this way are the way to overcome obstacles in life.

That once you have found your inner peace and your place in the world, life will unfold naturally, without the need to worry and live in uneccessary anxiety about the future.

I understood that being kind to others and to yourself will reward you in many ways and that I have loads of love to give to the right person.

I am still on this trip of self reevaluation and self care and every day is a new day to practise what I've learnt and understood. I am not perfect and neither want to be, but I want to improve myself and be my confident self. I face every day challenges and prove only to myself that I am worthy of it all and I am doing great and there is no need to compare myself to others.

Step by step, I am finding my inner peace and my place in the world and I am now positive that everything will eventually be okay :)

self help
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