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This blog post is dedicated to all broken souls and hearts out there who want to feel in control of their decisions and fate. Those who want a break from the same patterns and are ready for something healthier and happier.
We were all born with some sort of deficiency. Some are more obvious than others, some are more treatable than others, some might be more physical and some might be more emotional. Some of you take meds for it, some of you go to therapy for it, and some of you try to fill it.
The way I see deficiency is as a lack of something. I like this term because it applies to anything going on inside your body. The word deficiency is usually used as a medical term to describe a lack of nutrients, but when the lack of nutrient stems from lack of love, that deficiency is known as void.
The only kind of people I am terrified of in this world are people who constantly try to fill their voids... and I'll tell you why in a second.
To explain why filling a void only worsens any situation, we first need to understand how it's created. Go back to its roots, to where it all began. The lack of certain emotional factors in your life left you with a feeling that you are missing something. We all have it, children of rich parents, poor parents, single parents, no parents. The void does not discriminate. Some way or another we all find ourselves doing things to calm that undying need of filling something inside of us.
How many of us out there have done things and you look back on and you say "I did that to get back at..." or "I did that so I wouldn't feel..." or "I don't date because..." Those are the words of people with voids working to fill it. They scare me because they hurt others and allow themselves to be hurt.
I once knew a girl who dated my brother with a big void, the kind left by parents that made her think she wasn't loved or wanted. At every family dinner, she would say inappropriate things, pick fights, or create dramatic scenarios. She had a void. She felt abandoned and everything she did was to prove to other people that she was there, present, wanted. One day she was vegan. Another day she wasn't. One day she wanted to be a lawyer. The next day a yogi. She was completely lost and changing gears in directions that made everyone dizzy. The relationship didn't last, for the same reason her previous six didn't and future ones won't. She hasn't realized that she is feeding an empty pit with the wrong kind of food.
I find girls like that scary because they are not at peace and everything around them is collateral damage. Everyone is a soul that compliments another one you know or you have yet to. You are a unique set of characteristics that once paired up with someone can create something like long lasting relationships. Yet both parties need to be emotionally healthy to achieve that.
Before I continue, let me dismantle any concerns about what makes me this almighty person that thinks she knows the answers. I'm not and I know nothing. To level with you my rep sheet reads:
Strict father. Complacent mother. First born. Cancer sun. Cancer moon. Leo everything. Simple divorce. Messy divorce trial. Unhealthy boyfriend of 5 years. Multiple love interests that ended in me running away. Found peace at 25-3/4-years-old and the love of my life at 26.
So no... nobody is crowning me perfect, but what I crown myself with is the ability to accept my void and work everyday to make peace with it. What I'm going to tell you is the same speech I give my friends that keep looking for love in a one-night stand.So let's get down to why the key to peace, the key to healthier decisions, the key to happiness, lies in stopping to try to fill your void.
You can't fill something you never had. You have a feeling of emptiness inside of you and no amount of love, attention, sex, fame, or else from your boyfriend, job, husband, children, friends, etc. will ever be enough to compensate for a void that was given to you by a number of different events and people in your life.
If you fight with a close friend and you go shopping after, it doesn't get rid of the bad taste the fight created. If you get dumped and then eat a huge bowl of pasta, it doesn't get rid of the unpleasant feeling of unwantedness. Even getting another job doesn't get rid of the feeling of getting fired from an old one. Same logic applies to a void.
Being happy begins when a person stops trying to fill the void and instead accepts it.
Accept your void and then become best friends with it. When you finally come face to face with your lack of, your deficiency, that need to replace something, it will become your silent partner, your shadow. There is no getting rid of it, but there is such a thing as integrating it.
As you become buddies with the void, you'll be able to detect when it will go off. When you face it head strong, rather than give your back to it, next time someone or something triggers it, you can go:
"Good one, void, but not today" and that will create a shift in you, a shift in the way you react and a shift in the way you make decisions.
If the same good-for-nothing ex boyfriend calls you up promising the same old things, just wait a second. Take a deep breath and call up your void. Ask your void if this is its doing. If you feel complacent to go back to unhealthy patterns and habits, you are still not at ease with your deficiency. The longer you take to accept the friend request from your void, the longer you'll be unhappy and the longer you'll be reacting, instead of growing.
Listen, we all come to this world with voids and rep sheets. No one is free of any guilt or wrongdoing. We are all living under a feeling of constant reaction. The key to being happy is to locate your emptiness, your lack of, your void.
It will most likely always be there, but as you hug it tight at night, talk to it, tell it that you know it's there, and that it won't dictate your decisions anymore.
As your friendship with your void grows longer, it will slowly recede back and fade into your blood system, and you won't even remember how it got there. That's when you know you have made amends with your past, and you are living selflessly and in love with yourself.
Love to all,