30 Journal Entries to Self Discovery - Day 18

Hello everyone! Welcome to day eighteen! I'm currently sick as a dog and trying not to die (I might be slightly overreacting). But it gives me time to sit at home and write while I'm trying and failing to breathe through my nose. Hope everyone else is feeling better than I am! Anyway, the quote of the day is: "The writer's only responsibility is to his art. He will be completely ruthless if he is a good one. He has no peace until then." - William Faulkner

Day Eighteen: What makes my life feel complicated? How can I reduce it?

Okay so my life would be less complicated if I didn't exist and that's about it. Just kidding. Kind of. Anyway, my life would be less complicated if I could drive again. I lost my license because I've been having seizures quite often, so obviously, it's not safe for me to drive. I've reduced my seizures a substantial amount since they took away my license, over a year ago. But I'm still having them.

I tried to work out a normal sleep schedule and I've been on different medications, trying to get them under control. My doctor's are still trying to figure it out and we're working on it. I was doing really good for a while there; I went almost a full six months without one and they were talking about giving my license back. I had a break through seizure about a month ago though and that dream flew out the window.

Having a license wouldn't fix all my problems, but it would certainly make things a lot easier. And make me feel like less of a burden. Right now, I mostly rely on my friends and family. My job is close enough that I can walk to it. However, dropping off my daughter and picking her up from daycare is a lot easier when it's not thunder-storming out. Pretty much going anywhere else becomes a constant game of "we have to leave two hours early to go to somewhere five miles away". It's not like it would normally take me two hours to walk five miles, but with a two year old, you have to give yourself A LOT of extra time. Whereas, if I was driving, I could pop her in the car ten minutes before I needed to be there and get there. It would certainly free up a lot of time for me and just make it easier to get places. I would be able to go visit my friends that live farther away and even be able to take my daughter to her doctor... by myself!

On top of that though, I'd probably go out a lot more. Spending money on an uber somewhere that I don't HAVE to be just isn't in my budget right now. It's complicated and I feel like such a burden when people debate who's going to drive me somewhere. I know a lot of my friends tell me it's not a problem and they don't mind, but I mind. I feel useless. I feel like I couldn't accomplish things on my own because of it. I know that's not true. But I can't help but feel that way sometimes.

There's not a whole lot I can do to change it. I see my doctor often. I take my medication religiously. I try to get an adequate amount of sleep every night and I even stopped drinking as often just because in some people it increases the risk of a seizure. I quit smoking. I'm avoiding haunted house that have strobe lights (even though this is my favorite holiday). I even stopped drinking Monster. If you know me at all, you know this is a huge feat. When they told me my low blood sugar might be a factor, I upped my sugar intake.

All I can do now is continue what I'm doing and hope and pray. Right now it's looking like another six months before we can even start to talk about license again, but I'll remain hopeful. I miss driving. I miss feeling like I had control over my own life. But I'll get there. I'll get back to where I need to be. One day at a time.

My thoughts: This question was fairly upsetting for me. Don't get me wrong, it's a great self-discovery question. It's just hard to discover there's a way to make your life easier but there's no way for you to accomplish that goal except to wait. It is a great self-discovery question and I think it's great and should definitely be included in anyone's self-discovery journal adventure.