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Another year has gone by.
A year filled with so much of contentment and sorrow, compressed and spread unevenly into 365 days. More hurt than laughter, I thought to myself.
No, I’m not making any “New Year Resolution” just because everyone is doing so, because I shouldn’t promise something which I know I can’t bring myself to commit to. Of course, I would if I could. Besides, when you come to think about it, everyday can be a new chance to redo yourself; every day is a brand new year in itself.
You won’t find any “New Year, New Me” bullsh*t from me, because frankly speaking, a person can’t exactly change their core values and behaviour just overnight. I’m more than comfortable being me and I strive to become a better me every day, so that doesn’t mean I’ll have to wait till the new year to arrive for me to actually change. I prefer a “New Year, Same Sookie” kinda concept.
But one can definitely feel the need to reflect on what a year’s worth of experiences could bring about. In this case, what 2018 really made me feel.
1. People come and go.
I learned it the hard way. Some people are really not meant to be in your life and you just need to let them go. You’ve got to set them free and away from your grasp because you’ve been trying too hard to keep them with you, to keep them the way you think they should be. And the weirdest thing is, you only realized you were so controlling of other people because someone else had been doing that to you.
You just didn’t realize.
But it’s not your fault and your brain wouldn’t listen because you got into the self-blame game and you started being really hard on yourself. You’re hard on yourself for being the way you are, and you think you’re responsible for someone being distant to you. Truth is, it’s really not you at all. And if you could, and if you find yourself in the same situation, please repeat after me:
It’s not my fault.
It’s not my fault.
It’s not my fault.
But don’t use it as an excuse to get away with everything. Waking up late to work is definitely your fault.
2. I’m no superhero.
I also didn’t realize that I was really trying to save everybody. By everybody, I really mean literally everyone that I come into contact with.
Being a person who constantly f*cks things up and over thinks every single thing to no end, I sincerely wouldn’t want whatever happened to me to happen to anyone else. I had a friend whose past relationship still haunts her and I felt responsible because I introduced her to Tinder, where they met. Multiple family issues bombarding and overwhelming me, I would dive in head first to help. Even picking a wrong choice of food would leave me feeling apologetic, because had I not chosen bulgogi, we would have McD-ed and been happy throughout the night.
The thing is, I knew this had to stop. But I couldn’t, or maybe I didn’t want to, because helping someone else is in my nature and I didn’t want to change that.
3. Focus. One thing at a time.
I’ve also learned that I need to focus more. More of myself, less of others. More of others’ wellbeing and less of whatever they want me to become. The irony. I know I needed to care, and I will continue to care, but I can only do it in moderation. What’s much more important is the state of my mind and my overall wellbeing and I must prioritize it more than anything in the world. I agree that “family comes first,” but I also believe that “you come first” too. As ironic as it seems, this is a truth not to be overlooked. The same goes with many other things in life too; nothing is ever right nor is it ever wrong.
There are so many better writers out there worth much more recognition than I’ll ever have, but I know I should still try. I always tell myself that as long as any of my words I’ve strung together have made a person think, feel, and somewhat inspired them, then I’ve done my job well. But there’s also something I read recently about writers that ring true to what I believe in, “it’s a huge market with too much noise. Be persistent.” So, keep trying. And that’s all you need to remember too.
Time goes forward, regardless whether we like it or not, whether we’ve been focusing or not, though it was still very much of a struggle for me last year because I’m a person who lives in the past. Perhaps I think that it’s not impossible to succeed even if we’re living in a different reality; the struggle is just more difficult.
4. Inspired Myself/Others
If I were to count my many f*ck-ups of the year, and the amount of hurt I’ve damaged someone else, that would be uncountable, and maybe I could save that for another piece. But there’s no denying that I’ve had my fair share of being inspired myself, and that I’ve also inspired others as well. When I started writing, when I was taking it very seriously, it was after I had a tough break up. Back then, I wouldn’t realize that what I would be writing in the coming months would actually land me a great offer at work: writing for a dating company. I wouldn’t realize that I’d leave such an important mark on my friends’ lives, and I definitely didn’t know that I inspired a friend to genuinely gift and not expect anything in return.
These all in turn inspired me even further. To better myself.
To explore deeper, travel further, laugh louder, and become a tad wiser.
I know I am not much, but if this much of me is ever going to make an impact and form smiles on your cheeks, then it’s all worth it.
The year hasn’t been exceptionally kind, but I couldn’t have asked for a better one. I was struggling to find what home was for me and I think that I am getting there. So, thank you 2018 and I look forward to doing more this year. Things would definitely feel a lot more different now because I am being accompanied by my better half, and I’ll write our journeys as much as we can, just so I can share them with you.
If you enjoyed this, you might just wanna check out my other piece below.